Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
