i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
