he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
