Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
