dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Randomize
