I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
