smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
