My liver just broke up with me...
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
