Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
