I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I wish you could order shots online.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
