you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
