ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
