god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
