I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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