i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Randomize
