i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
