Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
