if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
