I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
