I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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