FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
