you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
