I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
