Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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