I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
