Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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