OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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