I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
