News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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