he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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