he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
