dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
