a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
