shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
