I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
