I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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