I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
