I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
