My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
