I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
