they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
