I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
