Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Randomize
