I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
