i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
