it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
