To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
