Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
"it" just moved
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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