wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
