You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
