You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
she peed on how many people?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
