So drunk its hurt
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
