You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
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