I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
