Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
