remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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